Complications of Adult thoughts!

Random thoughts of a quiet afternoon –

Growth is only natural. Change is the only constant. We are born helpless and at the mercy of others. Thank god our brains are not developed fully at birth. Thank heavens that the processes of formation of neural connections, elimination and the pruning of excess connections continue over the years, thereby shaping and redefining the functional abilities of the human brain. Imagine the trauma of a newborn having to rely on and trust others in its absolute sense had it been born with a fully developed brain with its independent thoughts, heightened fears and the ability to question and judge the actions of others!

Sure, our upbringing and our society shape us. However, even before the concepts of family, society, and association develop, a man acts from a place of instincts, instincts one is born with. We can draw parallels here with Jung’s theory or Freud’s, but that would be a deviation from the essence of this article! Instincts that allow a mother to suckle a baby, instincts that make the child cry to express not just hunger but all forms of discomfort, instincts that push us to make the grabbing gesture when we are about to fall!

What I am about to say next, comes from very personal experiences. In the past, I have often caught myself feeling sorry for the beggar on the road, ready to take out some change to offer the person and then suddenly entertaining doubts about the intentions of the beggar, the possibility that they might use the money to buy drugs, or that they could have worked but have chosen to take the easier route to make money. Then fraught with confusion, I would pull my panes up and put the money back in my bag. That was my truth until the day I stopped to question myself. Why do I entertain such thoughts about those forced by fate to beg on the streets? The answer was tragic – because somebody told me so! Because I have heard it a thousand times over from many nobodies and it did not matter if I believed it. The doubt was enough to push my helpful instincts down and throttle them!

Doubts. Doubting one’s instincts may be the one thing we do to complicate our lives and our relationships. How often do we tell a fib? Have you ever wondered why white lies are so prevalent in our society? While some may argue that white lies are harmless and even helpful in certain situations, this idea is often left unquestioned. Lies, big or small, are born out of fear – fear of rejection, fear of aggression, fear of judgement and escapism. We teach our children that it is wrong to lie, we judge those who do. We however do not teach our children to accept, to make peace with a statement or a situation without judgement, to appreciate differences. We do not teach children to avoid taking things personally and respect others’ choices and opinions. We do not give benefits of the doubt. We have no time to unlearn our ways and relearn to live a simpler life. We, adults, forget to empathize with those lying to us. We forget to look within ourselves to comprehend why somebody felt the need to lie to us. We lack a safe haven, a place, people, where and with whom we could open up and name our fears instead of hiding behind lies, black and white, big and small.

As I walk down memory lane, and revisit my childhood and older days, I think about the friends I made and those I could have. I think about the emotions I permitted myself to be haunted by, the incidents that angered me beyond control, the people I helped and the people I hurt. I think about the opportunities I lost because I perceived them as risks. I realize that the brain perceives situations as much more threatening than they are. It’s in sync with the lizard brain’s fear, fight or flight response, the limbic system’s attempt to protect the self from all things harmful. The lizard thinks just with the limbic system and so it is justified for it to think that if you do not try, you cannot fail; if you do not face, you are safe. We, however, are humans. We can rationalize. We have the frontal, the temporal, the occipital and the parietal lobes with all their layers of neocortex and allocortex and so much more. Surely, we can find it in ourselves to decide to rationalize our fears, risk telling the truth, help others do the same, to forgive and appreciate those who are different in their thoughts and ways.

In today’s society, the ideals of self-dependence, independence, self-development, and individuality are highly celebrated. I am a strong advocate of these principles and recognize their importance in our lives. However, we must also realize that nothing is absolute. It is not healthy to put anything or anyone on a pedestal. Humans are woven with tribal instincts and are meant to thrive in communities. The truth in the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” is eternal. Finding happiness and meaning in life is easier when we are surrounded by our family, friends, and community. They add multiple dimensions to our lives and help us stay strong even if something is amiss in one of those dimensions. While self-sufficiency is a quality we should aspire to, living alone should not be glorified in the pursuit of it. Perhaps, it is time to bring back old values such as togetherness, adjustment, compromise, understanding, and selflessness, which can help us lead a more fulfilling life.

To summarize, to form camaraderie and find happiness one has to accept the truth, learn forgiveness, acceptance and trust and learn to let go.